{"id":72997,"date":"2020-05-23t11:02:55","date_gmt":"2020-05-23t15:02:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/48e130086c.nxcli.net\/?p=72997"},"modified":"2020-06-13t11:20:12","modified_gmt":"2020-06-13t15:20:12","slug":"tax-season-funnies-making-sense-of-tax-forms","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"\/\/www.g005e.com\/2020\/05\/23\/tax-season-funnies-making-sense-of-tax-forms\/","title":{"rendered":"tax season funnies: making sense of tax forms"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/a>first, a couple of covid-19 jokes courtesy of a client. (too soon?)<\/strong><\/p>\n as collected by robert e. mckenzie<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n i need to practice social distancing from the refrigerator.<\/p>\n homeschooling is going well. two students suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job.<\/p>\n more: <\/b>tax season funnies: the poetic versions<\/a> | a rabbi\u2019s advice<\/a> | the next political party symbol<\/a> | gabriel and saint peter confer<\/a> | a tax lawyer at the pearly gates<\/a> | gargoyles in the irs?<\/a> | the \u2018service\u2019 in irs<\/a> <\/p>\n the more you earn, the less you keep,<\/p>\n and now i lay me down to sleep.<\/p>\n i pray the lord my soul to take,<\/p>\n if the tax collector hasn\u2019t got it before i wake.<\/p>\n ~ ogden nash \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cthree things are certain in life. death and taxes are two of them. the third is tax fraud.\u201d \u2013 matt pearce, la times 4-19-16<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cthe question is: what can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system?<\/p>\n \u201cas you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: satan. but he works through the congress, so that’s where we must focus our efforts.\u201d \u2013 dave barry<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cwhy can’t americans do their own taxes? because the federal tax code is out of control, that’s why. it’s gigantic and insanely complex, and it gets worse all the time. nobody has ever read the whole thing. irs workers are afraid to go into the same room with it.\u201d \u2013 dave barry, column, april 6, 2003<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cwhen preparing your return, you should be sure to avoid common mistakes. the two most common taxpayer mistakes, states the irs booklet, are (1) ‘failure to include a current address,\u2019 and (2) ‘failure to be a large industry that gives humongous contributions to key tax-law-writing congresspersons.\u2019\u201d \u2013 dave barry<\/p>\n <\/p>\n a doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. in spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.<\/p>\n unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. the doctor grabbed one and said, \u201ci\u2019m a doctor, i save lives, so i must live\u201d and jumped out.<\/p>\n the lawyer then said, \u201ci am the smartest man in the world, i deserve to live!\u201d he grabbed a parachute and jumped.<\/p>\n the priest looked at the little boy and said, \u201cmy son, i\u2019ve lived a long and full life. you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. take the last parachute and live in peace.\u201d<\/p>\n the little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, \u201cnot to worry, father. the smartest man in the world just took off with my backpack.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n an irs accountant is walking along the beach and he finds an old lamp. he picks it up, rubs it and of course, a genie appears.<\/p>\n the genie says \u201ci am the most powerful genie that has ever lived. i can do great and wonderful things and i can grant you your dearest wish. but only one.\u201d<\/p>\n well, this accountant is a deeply caring individual. he pulls out a map of the mediterranean area and says, \u201cmy dearest wish is that you solve the arab-israeli conflict in the middle east.\u201d<\/p>\n the genie strokes his beard and looks worried. \u201coh dear, \u201d he says, staring at the map. \u201cthat\u2019s a tough one. those people have been fighting for eons. no one has been able to come up with a successful solution. i\u2019m not sure if i could do any better. you should probably make another wish.\u201d<\/p>\n the accountant is understanding and says, \u201call right. listen, the irs has asked me to redesign their 1040 form so that everyone can understand it. can you help me with that?\u201d<\/p>\n there\u2019s a long silence and finally the genie says, \u201clet\u2019s have another look at that map.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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\n\u201cthe government is really asking a lot of us this month \u2013 first we\u2019re supposed to count how many people live in our home, then we\u2019re supposed to count how much money we owe them. i actually got confused and accidentally sent a check to the census and a member of my household to the irs. sorry, grandma.\u201d \u2013 jimmy kimmel<\/p>\n