{"id":59699,"date":"2019-04-19t13:19:39","date_gmt":"2019-04-19t17:19:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/48e130086c.nxcli.net\/?p=59699"},"modified":"2019-05-02t15:06:06","modified_gmt":"2019-05-02t19:06:06","slug":"tax-season-funnies-travel-deductions-and-limo-drivers","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"\/\/www.g005e.com\/2019\/04\/19\/tax-season-funnies-travel-deductions-and-limo-drivers\/","title":{"rendered":"tax season funnies: travel deductions and limo drivers"},"content":{"rendered":"
more tax season humor:<\/b> lawyer vs. accountant<\/a> | who gets the penthouse suite?<\/a> | april fool is when?<\/a> | what money can buy<\/a> | how golf is like taxes<\/a> \u00a0| after the revolution<\/a> | worst video game ever<\/a> | a little tax humor<\/a> | how many irs agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?<\/a>
\nexclusively for pro members. <\/span><\/strong>log in here<\/a> or 2022世界杯足球排名 today<\/a>.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n
- “tax day is the day that ordinary americans send their money to washington, d.c., and wealthy americans send their money to the cayman islands.” \u2013 jimmy kimmel<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
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- “april 15 is lurking around the corner, so if you have yet to file your federal tax return, it’s time to set aside a few hours, gather together your financial records, and flee the country.” \u2013 dave barry<\/u><\/u><\/li>\n
- “but one must take pride in paying up every april 15. look at it this way: if you don’t spend your dollars on the irs, you’d probably just squander it on foolish things, like food, rent …” \u2013 cindy adams, ny post, 3-29-09<\/u><\/u><\/li>\n
- “it’s fitting that april 14 is national pecan day because today, we recognize nuts. and tomorrow, on april 15, we pay our taxes to support them.” \u2013 craig ferguson<\/li>\n
- the shorter the time to april 15, the longer the face of the taxpayer.<\/u><\/u><\/li>\n
- there was a time when you saved up for your old age; now you save up for april 15th.<\/u><\/u><\/li>\n
- on april 15th you count your blessings … and then send them to washington.<\/u><\/u><\/li>\n
- two partners were busy enough in their practice that they occasionally had time to wave “hi” to each other as they passed on their way to their respective offices. at one point they decided to schedule lunch together to catch each other up on their latest and greatest work. as they both sat down and unfurled their menus, one of the partners suddenly started up and said, \u201ci have to leave immediately!\u201d the other partner looked him in the eye and said, \u201cwhatever for?” \u201ci left the safe open back in the office!\u201d the other partner shrugged and looked back at his menu. \u201cwhat are you worried about? we\u2019re both here.\u201d<\/li>\n
- a man dies and goes to hell and is shocked to see his former lawyer entwined with a beautiful woman while everyone else roasts in eternal flames. so he calls over the nearest demon and asks how come the lawyer gets a girl while he just gets fried. the demon glances over and shouts, \u201cwho are you to question that woman\u2019s punishment?\u201d<\/li>\n
- the owner of a small new york sandwich deli was being questioned by an irs agent about his tax return. he had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
\u201cwhy don\u2019t you people leave me alone?\u201d the deli owner said. \u201ci work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. and you want to know how i made $80,000?\u201d<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\u201cit\u2019s not your income that bothers us,\u201d the agent said. \u201cit\u2019s these travel deductions. you listed six trips to florida for you and your wife.\u201d<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/u><\/u>\u201coh, that,\u201d the owner said, smiling. \u201cit is a legitimate business expense because we also deliver.\u201d<\/u><\/u><\/div>\n<\/u>\u00a0<\/u><\/div>\n\n
- after getting all of the pope\u2019s luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn\u2019t travel light), the driver notices that the pope is still standing on the curb.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
<\/u><\/u>\u201cexcuse me, your eminence,\u201d says the driver, \u201cwould you please take your seat so we can leave?\u201d<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\u201cwell, to tell you the truth,\u201d says the pope, \u201cthey never let me drive at the vatican, and i\u2019d really like to drive today.\u201d<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\u201ci\u2019m sorry but i cannot let you do that. i\u2019d lose my job! and what if something should happen?\u201d protests the driver, wishing he\u2019d never gone to work that morning.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\u201cthere might be something extra in it for you,\u201d says the pope.<\/div>\n<\/div>\nreluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the pope climbs in behind the wheel.\u00a0the driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the supreme pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\u201cplease slow down, your holiness!!!\u201d pleads the worried driver, but the pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. <\/u><\/u>\u201coh, dear god, i\u2019m gonna lose my license,\u201d moans the driver.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/u><\/u>the pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\u201ci need to talk to the chief,\u201d he says to the dispatcher.<\/div>\n<\/div>\nthe chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he\u2019s stopped a limo going a hundred and five.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\u201cso bust him,\u201d said the chief.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\u201ci don\u2019t think we want to do that, he\u2019s really important,\u201d said the cop.<\/div>\n<\/div>\nchief exclaimed, \u201call the more reason!\u201d<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\u201cno, i mean really important,\u201d said the cop.<\/div>\n<\/div>\nthe chief then asked, \u201cwho ya got there, the mayor?\u201d<\/div>\n<\/div>\ncop: \u201cbigger.\u201d<\/div>\n<\/div>\nchief: \u201cgovernor?\u201d<\/div>\n<\/div>\ncop: \u201cbigger.\u201d<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\u201cwell,\u201d said the chief, \u201cwho is it?\u201d<\/div>\n<\/div>\ncop: \u201ci think it\u2019s god!\u201d<\/div>\n<\/div>\nchief: \u201cwhat makes you think it\u2019s god?\u201d<\/div>\n<\/div>\ncop: \u201che\u2019s got the pope for a limo driver!\u201d<\/div>\n