why that’s ok.
by bill reeb
besides guilt, overachievers seem to have a real problem with the idea of failure, which is why it comes up in so many different forms throughout my book.
more: why we have to deal with guilt | is your sense of duty misplaced? | are you sure you’re in the wrong place? | how are you programming your mind? | how to stay in the present | stop ignoring opportunities right in front of you | work ‘better,’ not ‘harder’ | what a pro knows | don’t let opportunities become detours | what are you giving priority? | don’t let others block your path
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how does this attitude toward failure manifest itself? well, in business, as with life, we are taught by society that to be considered a worthy and successful human being, we must “grab for the brass ring” or buy into the idea that “winning is everything.” and clichés like “anything other than first doesn’t count” are used to motivate people into obtaining “the right perspective.” this has created some self-destructive and dysfunctional attitudes toward winning.
as a backlash to the baby boomers’ competitive nature – which was nurtured by an oversupply of workers and an undersupply of jobs – many of them decided that they did not want their kids growing up with such an emphasis on winning. to take the heat off of their kids as they began to play sports and compete, some decided to perpetuate the idea that “everyone is a winner just for trying.” this morphed into ceremonies at the end of a sports season when everyone was handed a trophy regardless of the team’s actual record, attitude of the players, efforts of the individuals, skill of the group, and so on. this solution of avoiding the idea of failure, or pretending that those who lost actually won, is easily more damaging in my opinion than the idea they were running from.
the lesson that we all need to be learning and constantly reminding ourselves of is that winning and losing both play important roles in our personal development. although the winners typically get to enjoy the spotlight and the spoils of victory, the losers gain important experience, perspective and awareness of the skills needing improvement to be more competitive the next time around.
the funny thing is, while the baby boomer parents were trying to take the pressure off of their kids to win, they were actually reinforcing the importance of winning rather than teaching the more critical lesson about the value of failure and the personal growth that can occur from this learning experience.
unfortunately, the pedestal that we put under winners is bad enough, but the disrespect we cast upon the losers is what really damages an individual’s ability to learn and grow. because the idea of failing is so oppressive, it restricts our willingness to venture into unfamiliar areas. the problem is that venturing into unfamiliar areas is how we gain experience and knowledge, which are foundational to how we improve.
it’s funny that being wise is considered so admirable, yet the road to wisdom, which is paved with failure, is to be avoided at all costs.
this reminds me of an old story. it went like this:
a successful businessman was interviewed and asked, “what has made you so successful?”
he replied, “making good decisions!”
“how are you able to make so many good decisions?” the interviewer rebutted.
the businessman answered, “my experience.”
the interviewer questioned, “how did you gain your experience?”
he answered, “from bad decisions.”
the reality is that growth occurs when we end up on the wrong side of a decision and use that experience to learn. when we make mistakes, we often dig into the situation to uncover what information misdirected or confused our decision making process.
we first want to determine why it wasn’t our fault, and for most, we eventually move on to identifying the warning signs that will help us avoid making this same mistake again. for those who are not content until they find someone to blame, all i can say is that this determination is sad to me. blaming others is a way to pretend you are not an active player in your own life. yes, someone else may also be at fault. however, that doesn’t mitigate the fact that you played a role in whatever outcome you experienced.
i am reminded of my first investment experience in the stock market. here is the way i remember it:
early in the life of the personal computer, i bought shares in an ipo from bpi, a successful austin, texas pc-based accounting software developer, for $12 a share. within a short time, the stock went to about $17. i bought some more. it went up into the twenties. i bought some more. it went to around $27. i bought some more. i clearly remember my arrogance when i mentioned to michaelle that i thought i should quit ibm so i could play the stock market full time since i was clearly an investment genius. i commented, “just imagine what i could do if this were my daily job!”
well, fortunately, she was smart enough not to take me up on my offer. soon, the stock dropped to $24 per share. realizing that in my 20s i might not have been exposed to all of the applicable knowledge in the world on this subject, i called my broker and asked for her assistance. she quizzed me about the corporation and i told her i believed in bpi’s product. as someone working with technology and accounting, i knew there was a long-term need for the product and was impressed with its functionality. so, she suggested that i “buy some more stock and average down.” while this seemed to be an odd thing to do, i was told that by following this strategy, i could get back into the gain column sooner because i would be averaging down the cost of my investment. therefore, when the stock rebounded, i would be in a position to make more money at a lower price. then the stock fell to $17. and yes, i bought some more and averaged down. the bottom line is that i sold all of my stock when computer associates forced a buyout at a $1.38 per share.
mistakes heighten our learning experiences. while my bpi stock was going up, i wasn’t learning, i was just congratulating myself for my raw talent. it was only when the stock started falling and i kept making the wrong decisions that i began to try to understand more about how the market worked as well as how to keep this from happening again. it wasn’t my stockbroker’s fault for suggesting that i buy more and average down, it was my fault for not understanding what i was doing. it was my fault for being so naïve as i invested my money. it was my fault for allowing my ego to get the better of me in my decision making because i could have cut and run with a nice profit multiple times along the way.
since one of the messages here is that the road to wisdom is often paved with failure, let’s take a look at how i am defining this. failure definitions are as diverse as our world population.
to some, it is merely “being caught” doing something wrong. in other words, as long as the mistake or failure wasn’t acknowledged, then it wasn’t one. this is a common perspective for people playing in organized sports. for example, in basketball, when the player i guarded took a shot, as soon as the ball was out of his hands i would block out (turning, backing into him and wrapping my arms around him to keep him from a possible rebound). often, i did this in a way that was far more restrictive than the rules allowed. however, the only time that mattered was if a foul was called. otherwise, my actions were viewed as “doing my job” because i was able to push the boundary of the rules in favor of my team.
however, this type of approach works both ways. i remember in one game, i aggressively blocked out my opponent multiple times in a row as he missed each of his shots. by the fourth time down the floor, after another errant long shot, i had the luxury of becoming intimate with the four knuckles of his fist as the shooter unleashed a roundhouse to the side of my face. guess what? the referee didn’t call that either because my opponent was smart enough to do it when no one was looking. needless to say, i was less aggressive for the rest of the game. so, breaking the rules or making mistakes, to some, doesn’t count unless you get caught.
while “being caught” is one extreme, the other – expanded to unreasonable heights – goes back to an idea introduced above that “anything other than being first or being the best” constitutes failure. what a ridiculous framework to try to work within. can everyone be first if they work hard enough? the answer is an unequivocal no. we can’t control who is the best or who is first. all we can do is the best we can; if we win or happen to be the best there is at that moment in time, that is a fantastic bonus. consider this true story:
little billy, about nine years old (not me, but i would be happy if it had been), trained in martial arts every week. one day, he approached his martial arts master and asked permission to miss several months of training. billy wanted to concentrate on preparing for an upcoming track meet. during this time, billy trained hard and felt he was ready for the big race.
the starting gun was fired and they were off. billy ran as fast as he ever had, but finished inches behind the winner. for days after the event, billy sat in his room, crying, feeling discouraged and beaten.
not sure how to get billy motivated again, his mother dragged him to the martial arts training facility to see if his master could help. when the master asked what was wrong, billy could barely comment through his tears. once the whole story had been told, here is the conversation that took place:
master instructor: “billy, pretend that the boy who won didn’t show up because he hurt his leg the day before the race. because he wouldn’t have been there, you would have been the fastest runner. you would have come in first. would that make you feel better?”
billy: “yes!”
master instructor: (grinning as he put his arms around billy.) “did you train hard and do your best?”
billy: nodded yes.
master instructor: “remember this. you do not become a true champion because of someone else’s failure. you also are not a loser because of someone else’s success. you become a champion by doing the best you can with your abilities every day, which has nothing to do with how anyone else performs.”
unfortunately, many, much older than little billy, find themselves falling into this same trap. why? because the final outcome becomes more important than the effort, the experience or the journey.
in corporate america, we give more credit to people who stay long hours than those who accomplish a great deal. we bestow rewards to those who merely stay within their known limits and operate mistake-free rather than those who try to extend their knowledge and experience limits and fail. we empower our employees so that they will take action, yet we punish them when their decisions are wrong or inconsistent with our own. we have a system that expects consistent superior quality and performance, but does not allow the personal growth necessary in order to achieve it. it is sad, but most of us, at some time, fall into the “little billy trap” and judge people solely by how they finish the race and do little to recognize the incremental steps people take every day to improve themselves and do the best that they can.
i believe it is essential that you learn to give yourself permission to fail, permission to learn from failure, permission to work through failure and permission to enjoy the growth experience created from failing. and if you are going to compare yourself to anyone, the only fair comparison to make is whether you have generated the attitude and effort to make yourself better, faster or stronger than you were.
assess yourself on your comfort with embracing failure. circle how you feel you are doing. on this subject, i:
- need a lot of work
- need a little work
- am okay
- feel good where i am
what do you need to do to change the way you feel about failure and embrace it rather than run from or avoid it?
where might the fear of failure be holding you back from what is important to you?