bonus: a flowchart of desire.
by bill reeb
i believe that every day, in a way, we do exactly what we want to do or what we desire. for instance, you might be frustrated by your present weight, but if you don’t change your eating habits or exercise regimen, then you clearly do not desire to lose weight.
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another idea that complicates determining what we want, which is far more subtle and complex, is that we subconsciously or consciously suppress many of our desires.
for example, recently, one of my class participants approached me and said, “bill, i really loved your comments about identifying what you desire and then going after it, but unfortunately, that is not an option for me. i have obligations to my parents and i can’t let them down. i wish i could pursue some of the goals that i have in mind, but it is just not possible.”
here is what i said after i understood his situation, and i believe the general concept is applicable to many overachievers:
“you need to follow whatever your values and beliefs dictate because i am not trying to tell you what is a right or wrong choice. however, you also need to understand that you have a basic obligation to your family and everyone else in your life to find a way to be happy. if you are not happy, and you feel trapped by the choices you feel you are being forced to make, you will eventually take out this frustration on those around you. and even worse, you might eventually find yourself repulsed by the people that you are trying to support if you constantly put their desires before yours, which is the track i think you are on. know that when you talk through your desires with your loved ones, and they share theirs as well, there is a strong likelihood that you will uncover a good harmonious solution.”
for the record, i am happy to say that his life changed within a week because he confronted his situation with his parents, stopped suppressing his desires and had several open and frank conversations with them. as it turned out, his parents were happy to make some adjustments as soon as they realized how frustrated he was. in many circumstances, we suppress our real desires because we think we are being selfish to want them.
by the way, there is an important distinction i want to point out as you give consideration to your desires. don’t confuse desire with wishing. while wishing and daydreaming usually conjure up ideas for change, they are not tied to action or accountability on your part to make them happen.
for example, several times a year, my wife will ask me what i would do differently if we were to win the lottery. while i am happy to play this mental game, i quickly point out that the statistical odds of winning the lottery are non-existent if we don’t buy lottery tickets. so, staying with my example, i would use the word “wishing” to describe someone who wants to win the lottery without buying a ticket, and use the word “desire” to describe someone who faithfully buys lottery tickets. to me, wishing is what we do when we want something different, but we are unwilling to 1) take action to change our situation or 2) take responsibility for our role in making the wish come true (effort, sacrifice, resource allocation, and the like).
i have put together a summary exercise to help you process this topic more clearly. don’t spend a lot of time on it … i just want you to jot down some of your top-of-mind ideas on the worksheet below. i have listed happiness and success as two different categories for you to consider positioning your mind to think about. however, they may not be separate from you, or one may be far more important to you right now than the other. so, fill out what you want and though you are certainly not limited to the space provided here, there is no need to fill in all of the blanks or complete both sections. this is an exercise just for you!
the following statements describe what i want to change or what i want to accomplish so that i can better align how i am spending my limited time and resources to achieve my desires:
desires pertaining to enhancing my happiness:
- _________________________________________________________________________________
- _________________________________________________________________________________
- _________________________________________________________________________________
- _________________________________________________________________________________
- _________________________________________________________________________________
desires pertaining to enhancing my success:
- _________________________________________________________________________________
- _________________________________________________________________________________
- _________________________________________________________________________________
- _________________________________________________________________________________
- _________________________________________________________________________________
sanity check
now for the sanity check. before you start doing the work to achieve any of the goals you have just outlined above, unless your objective is to get stuck, you should consider whether you are willing to live with the following statement:
“i am ready to embrace the idea that as i work toward achieving my desire, i can expect to be required to replan, prioritize, and reaffirm my desire as part of the normal process. i understand that the moment my plan is static and unchangeable, the second i take on a rigid perspective on what i think and do, the instant i lock into my current priorities, i will have started down a path to getting stuck or being stuck. therefore, in order to remain unstuck throughout this effort, when i encounter moments of dissatisfaction, i will simply work through the process, considering the techniques i’ve outlined so that i can determine what to let go of in order to maintain positive momentum toward whatever objectives i have set for myself.”
if you can live with this paragraph, your odds of getting stuck are very small. if you can’t, don’t worry. for now, a more detailed flowchart for the desired step in my process can be found below.
assuming you have identified something you desire, have put a plan together that includes tactics, a realistic timeline with reasonable expectations, as well as having a willingness to make the effort to achieve it, you are ready to move on to the next step in this process – the work.
