tax season funnies: the next political party symbol

the elephant and the donkey were probably chosen as political party emblems because they are beasts of burden. if a new political party is started, a taxpayer might suitably be used as an emblem.

 

“i have never killed a man, but i have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – clarence darrow

 

a beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on rodeo drive and said, “i haven’t eaten anything in four days.” she looked at him and said, “god, i wish i had your willpower.”

 

a fellow finds himself in front of the pearly gates. st. peter explains that it’s not so easy to get into heaven. there are some criteria before entry is allowed.

recently a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the pearly gates. st. peter informed them that in order to get into heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

st. peter addressed the teacher and asked, “what was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? they made a movie about it.”

the teacher answered quickly, “that would be the titanic.” st. peter let him through the gate.

st. peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring heaven didn’t *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “how many people died on the ship?”

fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. “1,228,” he answered.

“that’s right! you may enter.” 

st. peter turned to the lawyer. “name them.” 

 

there was this man who was an accountant for the mob. he happened to be deaf and mute. while working for the mob he collected over 500,000 dollars by stealing from the books. the mob boss finds out about this and sends two hitmen to his house. since the accountant was deaf and mute, his brother-in-law translated what the accountant said.

hitman 1: where is the money?

accountant signs he does not know.

brother-in-law: he said he does not know.

hitman 2: tell us where the money is or we will kill your wife, burn down your house and castrate you!

accountant signs fast and furiously that the money is in a safe that is hidden in the floorboard of his closet and gives the combination.

hitman 1: what did he say?

brother-in-law: you do not have the balls!