four amusing millennial myths

are you sure they’re so different?

by frank stitely

no workplace topic triggers more useless diatribes and spewed nonsense than the dreaded millennial.

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know why millennials can’t afford houses? avocado toast is expensive. when millennials play monopoly, they never buy any properties. they just circle the board and pay rent. a millennial, a gen xer and a baby boomer drive to a bar. well, you know that story can’t be true. the millennial takes lyft. tweet any word from a dictionary, and you’ll offend a millennial somewhere.

i speak authoritatively about millennials, because i have four millennial daughters. yes, this is exactly like saying i’m an authority on race relations because i have one non-white friend.

myth #1: millennials demand work/life balance.

everyone wants work/life balance, unless you’re actively trying to avoid your family. that was true in my first marriage. the job market drives our ability to get balance. when talent is hard to find, like now, employees demand balance. when jobs are hard to find, work/life balance recedes in favor of staying employed and avoiding homelessness.

millennial accountants demand more of everything, because the job market allows them to. if accounting talent gets easier to find in a few years because of large graduating classes and automation, they’ll adjust their demands downward.

i graduated in the early 1980s during that wonderful economic period known as stagflation. work/life balance meant the occasional weekend off and maybe a paid hangover day. monday morning floggings were the norm. ask a recent archaeology graduate if he’s more concerned with work/life balance or getting good shifts at starbucks.

supply and demand drive compensation levels, and work/life balance is part of compensation. same as it ever was.

myth #2: millennials are job hoppers.

here’s the typical resume you see from a 27-year-old:

first job: tenure one year. reason for leaving: “i was ready to be promoted to senior manager.”

second job: tenure 18 months. reason for leaving: “nice people, but they expected me to bill more than i make.  that seemed unfair.”

third job: tenure two years. reason for wanting to leave: “i know everything there is to know about the earned income tax credit, but still they won’t make me a partner.”

yes, millennials are job hoppers, but so were baby boomers, gen xers and every other group of 20-year-olds since cro-magnon man. here’s my resume.

first job: tenure 2.5 years. reason for leaving after being promoted to manager: “malnutrition from eating nothing but ramen noodles.”

second job: tenure 10 months. reason for leaving: “401(k) accounting sucks.”

third job: tenure 1.25 years if my memory hasn’t failed yet. reason for leaving: “the company was bankrupt.” not because of me.

fourth job: tenure 1.25 years. reason for leaving: “i left to start a cpa firm.”

fifth job: tenure 28 years and counting. reason for eventually leaving: our staff will assassinate me.

myth #3: millennials won’t work hard.

again, this myth is no more true than for any other generation. it is true, however, that their music is just noise.

all of us knew slackers from our early jobs. they were the people who always called in sick on mondays and fridays. they left happy hours just before the checks came. they stuck us with all of the work for group projects. these miscreants infected every generation. millennials have them too, and they are every bit as frustrated as we were.

remember when gen xers were called the slacker generation? our parents thought the same of our generation, regardless of when we were born. we would never amount to anything. most of us matured into almost functional adults. some of us are in therapy. some of us drink too much. you know who you are.

yes, millennials hate tax season hours. don’t you? in my experience, most will work the necessary hours. many aren’t cut out for public accounting and our rock star lives. the groupies that i was promised never materialized. they go into private accounting, which has its own set of challenges. some leave the profession entirely. didn’t the same happen with your friends? same as it ever was.

myth #4. millennials spend all day on social media.

my wife is 54. while i’m driving to a restaurant, she’s sitting next to me on facebook, reading posts from old ladies on painting furniture. she can’t sit in a car for 10 minutes without social media stimulation. jack russell terriers have longer attention spans. i get her attention with, “look, there’s a squirrel.” i’m thinking of sending her to obedience school, because the treats aren’t working. pavlov never had to deal with dogs on facebook.

your honor, i am also guilty as charged. lately, i spend part of each day trolling idiots who think the proposed new tax law will starve widows and orphans. i don’t care if they starve, as long as i get my 25 percent pass-through rate.

so millennials have a social media problem?!

here’s a little-known management technique that works with millennials, gen x’ers, baby boomers and neanderthals: the golden rule. manage others the way you would like to be managed if you were in their shoes. “do as i say, not as i do” never worked. neither did, “you have to pay your dues.” your office environment should not resemble a fraternity hazing. that last sentence pains me.

a little flexibility goes a long way with employees of all ages. will they take advantage of you? certainly. dealing with this is called good management. remember when you told your first boss, on a friday afternoon, that you had to attend the funeral for your long-lost third cousin’s sea turtle that drowned?

a group of millennials who meet the last friday of each month for beer and cigars adopted me as their token old guy. what do they talk about? marriage. when to have kids. whether they can afford houses. they do drink better beer than i did at that age.

they have all of the same concerns we had in our twenties. they are no different. i feel good about that. you should too. in 10 years, they’ll start buying our firms and price multiples will go back up where they belong. that will be just in time for me to retire and begin my new profession as a full-time facebook troll.

posted on november 30, 2017