don’t be someone else’s rug.
by bill reeb
in the ’70s, there was a big movement in business culture to learn to be more assertive, aptly called “assertiveness training.” michaelle was quick to enroll because this was an important skill set to call upon, especially with many women moving into jobs that had historically been held by men (michaelle was a systems engineer with ibm during this period). the concept was simple: “you need to speak your mind, ask for what you want, demand what is fair and don’t let yourself be a rug for everyone to step on.”
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in our early years working at ibm together, when one of the secretaries needed to step away or take a break, she would often come over to michaelle and ask her to cover with typing, answering the phone and so on. in addition to the fact that she held the professional job of being a systems specialist, michaelle also had earned her undergraduate degree in psychology and an mba with a concentration in accounting. i just had a bachelor’s degree in business – far less educated – yet no one ever asked me to fill in.
about 95 percent of the time, whoever they asked to fill in usually did it (always women, most often in paraprofessional roles), complaining and upset with themselves for agreeing to do it. yet, michaelle rarely agreed to fill in. she was nice about it, but assertive about the fact that she had other matters and duties to attend to.
this was not an issue that some people were nice and some weren’t – it was a matter that most of us, when specifically asked to do something, regardless of how unfair the request is, tend to do it. assertiveness training, to me, helped many people understand that disagreeing or saying “no” was not about creating conflict, merely setting appropriate boundaries, especially when someone else was inappropriately crossing those boundaries.
when i asked michaelle why she so often declined, her comment in confidence (which i am kind of betraying now with her reluctant consent) was that she had worked hard to earn her mba and her current professional position in ibm. she commented that men were inclined at that time to want to pigeonhole women into administrative roles and therefore she had to walk a tighter line than a man would, distancing herself from that perception in order to maintain her professional status. trust me when i tell you she was right. while michaelle was privileged to have entered the professional workforce at a time when many before her had been required to fight some very difficult crusades, many today take for granted the constant battles women like michaelle had to face to earn today’s closer-to-balanced respect you find in the workplace.
today, you don’t hear much about assertiveness training. when this was popular, it was a different time. when people, especially women, were regularly being inappropriately pushed around by those willing to be confrontational and aggressive, being assertive first became critical for survival, and later a foundational skill for success.
i want to point out, however, the distinct difference between being assertive and being a bully (or overly aggressive). in my view, being assertive is about speaking up for yourself, asking for reasonable accommodation and many other examples of one person asking for fair treatment from another. however, many people overlook the aspect of fairness of this powerful technique and simply become aggressive about demanding whatever they want, even when they know they will be taking unfair advantage of someone, or some company, when they get what they are asking for.
the bottom line is that most people will acquiesce to those making demands simply to avoid uncomfortable confrontation. while it is important for you to learn to be assertive and to demand to be treated fairly or with respect, in my opinion, it is equally important for you to not use this powerful technique to take advantage of others just because you can.
for those who are wondering how to resolve the seeming contradiction between being assertive and harmonizing, i have included two examples to clarify why these two concepts are not in conflict with each other. understand that assertiveness and conflict are no more synonymous than are harmonizing and surrender (giving up or rolling over). you can easily be assertive while harmonizing.
one example would be the often discussed notion that a common strategy in martial arts is to take advantage of the force of your opponent. this idea is about harmonizing and allowing your attackers to do what they want – then taking advantage of whatever they do. this technique is not about rolling over or giving up, but rather waiting for openings or weaknesses to present themselves so that you can end the engagement.
another example of how assertiveness and harmonizing work together is in the negotiation process. there are hundreds of books out on this topic, but one of the books i like is “getting to yes” by roger fisher and william ury. they walk you through the idea that soft bargaining (trying to be friends, yielding to pressure, accepting one-sided losses to reach agreement) is just as bad as hard bargaining (participants are adversaries, the goal is victory, distrust others and apply pressure).
they recommend negotiating using “principled negotiation.” in principled negotiation, the parties negotiating are to take on the role of problem-solvers, not people just trying to win. the focus is on exploring what each side is looking to achieve rather than the positions currently being taken. the goal is to find a win-win solution by inventing options for mutual gain (expanding the universe of benefits). the point is … the authors suggest being assertive regarding the desire to find solutions to address the problems (they call this being “hard on the problem”), but harmonize with each other to find win-win scenarios (they call this being “soft on the people”).
far too often, i see people being assertive and clashing (rather than harmonizing) or timid and harmonizing as these two combinations often create lose-win or lose-lose alternatives. based on my experience, in most cases, there is a win-win alternative sitting there waiting to be found if you take the time to look for it by using principled negotiation, which is soft on the people (harmonizing) and hard on the problem (assertive).
assess yourself on being someone else’s rug. circle how you feel you are doing. on this subject, i:
- need a lot of work
- need a little work
- am okay
- feel good where i am
what areas of my life do i need to do a better job standing up for myself?
how can i learn to incorporate both harmonization and assertiveness together more often?