first, a couple of covid-19 jokes courtesy of a client. (too soon?)
as collected by robert e. mckenzie
i need to practice social distancing from the refrigerator.
homeschooling is going well. two students suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job.
more: tax season funnies: the poetic versions | a rabbi’s advice | the next political party symbol | gabriel and saint peter confer | a tax lawyer at the pearly gates | gargoyles in the irs? | the ‘service’ in irs
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the more you earn, the less you keep,
and now i lay me down to sleep.
i pray the lord my soul to take,
if the tax collector hasn’t got it before i wake.
~ ogden nash
“the government is really asking a lot of us this month – first we’re supposed to count how many people live in our home, then we’re supposed to count how much money we owe them. i actually got confused and accidentally sent a check to the census and a member of my household to the irs. sorry, grandma.” – jimmy kimmel
“three things are certain in life. death and taxes are two of them. the third is tax fraud.” – matt pearce, la times 4-19-16
“the question is: what can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system?
“as you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: satan. but he works through the congress, so that’s where we must focus our efforts.” – dave barry
“why can’t americans do their own taxes? because the federal tax code is out of control, that’s why. it’s gigantic and insanely complex, and it gets worse all the time. nobody has ever read the whole thing. irs workers are afraid to go into the same room with it.” – dave barry, column, april 6, 2003
“when preparing your return, you should be sure to avoid common mistakes. the two most common taxpayer mistakes, states the irs booklet, are (1) ‘failure to include a current address,’ and (2) ‘failure to be a large industry that gives humongous contributions to key tax-law-writing congresspersons.’” – dave barry
a doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. in spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. the doctor grabbed one and said, “i’m a doctor, i save lives, so i must live” and jumped out.
the lawyer then said, “i am the smartest man in the world, i deserve to live!” he grabbed a parachute and jumped.
the priest looked at the little boy and said, “my son, i’ve lived a long and full life. you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. take the last parachute and live in peace.”
the little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, “not to worry, father. the smartest man in the world just took off with my backpack.”
an irs accountant is walking along the beach and he finds an old lamp. he picks it up, rubs it and of course, a genie appears.
the genie says “i am the most powerful genie that has ever lived. i can do great and wonderful things and i can grant you your dearest wish. but only one.”
well, this accountant is a deeply caring individual. he pulls out a map of the mediterranean area and says, “my dearest wish is that you solve the arab-israeli conflict in the middle east.”
the genie strokes his beard and looks worried. “oh dear, ” he says, staring at the map. “that’s a tough one. those people have been fighting for eons. no one has been able to come up with a successful solution. i’m not sure if i could do any better. you should probably make another wish.”
the accountant is understanding and says, “all right. listen, the irs has asked me to redesign their 1040 form so that everyone can understand it. can you help me with that?”
there’s a long silence and finally the genie says, “let’s have another look at that map.”