humor

tax season funnies: travel deductions and limo drivers

a traffic cop treads carefully.
as collected by robert e. mckenzie
  • on tax day we remembered the immortal quote from charlie brown in the “peanuts” comic strip: “no problem is so big or so complicated it cannot be run away from.”

more tax season humor: lawyer vs. accountant | who gets the penthouse suite? | april fool is when? | what money can buy | how golf is like taxes  | after the revolution | worst video game ever | a little tax humor | how many irs agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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  • “tax day is the day that ordinary americans send their money to washington, d.c., and wealthy americans send their money to the cayman islands.” – jimmy kimmel

  • “april 15 is lurking around the corner, so if you have yet to file your federal tax return, it’s time to set aside a few hours, gather together your financial records, and flee the country.” – dave barry
  • “but one must take pride in paying up every april 15. look at it this way: if you don’t spend your dollars on the irs, you’d probably just squander it on foolish things, like food, rent …” – cindy adams, ny post, 3-29-09
  • “it’s fitting that april 14 is national pecan day because today, we recognize nuts. and tomorrow, on april 15, we pay our taxes to support them.” – craig ferguson
  • the shorter the time to april 15, the longer the face of the taxpayer.
  • there was a time when you saved up for your old age; now you save up for april 15th.
  • on april 15th you count your blessings … and then send them to washington.
  • two partners were busy enough in their practice that they occasionally had time to wave “hi” to each other as they passed on their way to their respective offices. at one point they decided to schedule lunch together to catch each other up on their latest and greatest work. as they both sat down and unfurled their menus, one of the partners suddenly started up and said, “i have to leave immediately!” the other partner looked him in the eye and said, “whatever for?” “i left the safe open back in the office!” the other partner shrugged and looked back at his menu. “what are you worried about? we’re both here.”
  • a man dies and goes to hell and is shocked to see his former lawyer entwined with a beautiful woman while everyone else roasts in eternal flames. so he calls over the nearest demon and asks how come the lawyer gets a girl while he just gets fried. the demon glances over and shouts, “who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
  • the owner of a small new york sandwich deli was being questioned by an irs agent about his tax return. he had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
“why don’t you people leave me alone?” the deli owner said. “i work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. and you want to know how i made $80,000?”
“it’s not your income that bothers us,” the agent said. “it’s these travel deductions. you listed six trips to florida for you and your wife.”
“oh, that,” the owner said, smiling. “it is a legitimate business expense because we also deliver.”
 
  • after getting all of the pope’s luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices that the pope is still standing on the curb.
“excuse me, your eminence,” says the driver, “would you please take your seat so we can leave?”
“well, to tell you the truth,” says the pope, “they never let me drive at the vatican, and i’d really like to drive today.”
“i’m sorry but i cannot let you do that. i’d lose my job! and what if something should happen?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.
“there might be something extra in it for you,” says the pope.
reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the pope climbs in behind the wheel. the driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the supreme pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
“please slow down, your holiness!!!” pleads the worried driver, but the pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. “oh, dear god, i’m gonna lose my license,” moans the driver.
the pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
“i need to talk to the chief,” he says to the dispatcher.
the chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
“so bust him,” said the chief.
“i don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” said the cop.
chief exclaimed, “all the more reason!”
“no, i mean really important,” said the cop.
the chief then asked, “who ya got there, the mayor?”
cop: “bigger.”
chief: “governor?”
cop: “bigger.”
“well,” said the chief, “who is it?”
cop: “i think it’s god!”
chief: “what makes you think it’s god?”
cop: “he’s got the pope for a limo driver!”