also: wait, that’s not what the box means?
as collected by robert e. mckenzie
- “yes: here’s to the founding fathers – slave-owning british citizens who didn’t want to pay taxes …” – david mazzucchelli
more tax season humor: tax season funnies: who gets the penthouse suite? | tax season funnies: april fool is when? | tax season funnies: what money can buy | tax season funnies: how golf is like taxes | tax season funnies: after the revolution | the tax season funnies: worst video game ever | a little tax humor | how many irs agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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- “some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.” – evan esar
- “few of us ever test our powers of deduction, except when filling out an income tax form.” – laurence j. peter, author
- “in 1790, the nation which had fought a revolution against taxation without representation discovered that some of its citizens weren’t much happier about taxation with representation.” – lyndon b. johnson
- it’s a weird world. the strong take away from the weak, the clever take away from the strong, and the government takes away from everybody.
- “when not on vacation (which is a lot of the time, fortunately for the republic), congress can be hazardous to our health.” – mike causey, federal news radio, 4/6/17
- “alexander hamilton started the u.s. treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.” – will rogers
- “the government is really asking a lot of us this month – first we’re supposed to count how many people live in our home, then we’re supposed to count how much money we owe them. i actually got confused and accidentally sent a check to the census and a member of my household to the irs. sorry, grandma.” – jimmy kimmel
- two accountants are in a bank when armed robbers burst in. while several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches and other valuables. in the midst of the chaos, accountant no. 1 jams something in accountant no. 2’s hand. without looking down, accountant no. 2 whispers, “what is this?” to which accountant no. 1 replies, “it’s that $50 i owe you.”
- a man was floating along in a balloon and had lost his bearings. finally he spotted a man standing on a hilltop and shouted out, “where am i?”
the man on the hilltop responded, “you are in a balloon about 75 feet up.”
the man in the balloon responded, “you must be a tax lawyer because what you told me is totally accurate and totally useless.”
the tax lawyer on the hilltop responded, “you must be a tax accountant. you don’t know where you are or where you are going and now you are blaming the tax lawyer.”
- four accountants walk into a bar, and each orders a beer. they raise their glasses and make a toast: “here’s to 59!” after downing their beers, they order another round and make the same toast: “here’s to 59!” this happens again and again. finally, the bartender asks the accountants what the significance of the toast is.
“well,” said one of them, “we put a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle together in just 59 days!”
“and that’s a big deal?” asked the barkeep.
“you bet,” said the same accountant, “the box said 4 to 8 years!!!”