guilt is one of the most damaging emotional obstacles you throw in front of yourself.
by bill reeb, cpa
when i talk about guilt and duty, the examples i share can sound similar. however, the distinction to me is that duty is what you feel before you make a decision or take an action, and guilt is what you feel afterward.
more: duty: a tough hurdle to overcome | fear stifles you in every way | change the way you think | let go to get unstuck | investing in loss | you might be your biggest obstacle | what to stop may be more important than what to do | stop wishing your life away | don’t let inertia determine your direction
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for example, i feel a sense of duty to protect my daughter, and i would feel guilty if she were hurt badly because i would imagine everything i should have done to better protect her (even if what i imagined would be unreasonable to expect).
i believe guilt is one of the most damaging of all of our emotions because it runs so deep and is so well hidden that it is difficult to surface and address. as overachievers, we frequently have guilt that we did not live up to something, whether that be guilt that we have not been a good enough partner or parent or spouse, guilt that we did not live up to our parents’ expectations, guilt that we should be better people, guilt that we are too selfish … i could go on with examples for pages.
i believe guilt is the single biggest product we manufacture in the united states because it is easy for us to feel guilty about almost anything.
so, an important step to take when trying to regain your momentum is to stop comparing yourself to some idealized self-image; in this way, every action you take or decision you make isn’t perceived as a shortcoming in your performance or character. as soon as you stop this comparing, you will be able to see the world and your choices more clearly.
after michaelle and i started simplifying our lives about two decades ago, we spent some quality time thinking about how we wanted to spend our future. one of the reasons michaelle wanted to be a professor was to have summers off so that she could hike, play golf, read more books, relax and so on. when we decided to build our new careers around this work-life balance idea, it didn’t take long for us to come up with the idea to buy a condo in the mountains. however, we were a long way from being financially positioned to do that. one of the first tests we came up with was to spend several weeks in the area we were considering, to see if we really liked it as much as we thought we would. well, that ended up being a no-brainer test. we loved it.
then we put a plan together to manage our finances so that over the next five years, we would be in a position to handle the purchase of a second home. in 1998 we were able to purchase a townhome in the mountains, and in 2000, we sold that and bought a home.
now, let’s get back to the topic of guilt. despite our longtime planning and saving, after we had achieved our goal, i found it difficult to enjoy my time off. the reason: i felt guilty! i had two partners and several staff back in austin who were working away. we made some adjustments to my earnings for my time away and no one ever challenged that i was not earning my pay. in fact, my partners never mentioned that i shouldn’t go and actually never said a thing but “have a great time and we will see you at the end of summer.”
it didn’t matter. my sense of duty, even though i worked about the same number of hours in the mountains as i did in austin, actually got in the way of my happiness because i felt guilty about having such a great time while my partners were toiling away at the office. ultimately, in 1999, i split with my partners – not because of anything they did wrong, but because i couldn’t let go of the guilt i felt for following my plan. here was a classic case of my running from myself rather than learning to deal with my emotions.
what guilt is holding you back from pursuing the life you want? what is it that you feel you don’t have the right to do, or that requesting it would be selfish? give yourself permission. here are a couple of thoughts i often consider, and remind others about, to help them work through this:
the most wonderful gift you can give those who love and care about you is for you to be happy!
the best way to serve others and make a positive contribution to their lives is to find a way to be happy living yours.
what feeling of guilt is holding you back from achieving whatever objective you have in mind?
where might guilt have more control over your decisions and actions than it should?