it’s not the same as giving up.
by bill reeb
while i’ve discussed “letting go” actions before, it is time to get a little better understanding of how to leverage them.
more: become your mind’s lead programmer | let go to get unstuck | investing in loss | you might be your biggest obstacle | what to stop may be more important than what to do | stop wishing your life away | don’t let inertia determine your direction | what does ‘getting stuck’ or ‘being stuck’ mean? | 3 ways to get ‘unstuck’
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at any point in time, when you realize you are dissatisfied with your level of success or happiness, once you have decided what to let go of that was the source of the negative emotions you are feeling, you will end up making at least one – if not two or all three – of these choices.
you can
- modify your desire or redefine your plan-tactics, timeframe or expectations. i call this action “replan”; or
- prioritize what is important to you (which often includes reconsidering the priority of deep-seated beliefs or values). i call this action “reprioritize”; or
- maintain your desire but break the emotional link between your desire and your progress or priorities. i call this action “reaffirm.”
to help you better conceptualize the choices you have to help you regain your momentum, i have put together a simple dissatisfaction scenario for your review:
desire and expectations: by the time i earn my black belt, i will be able to easily execute all of my kicks to at least solar plexus height, with many at face height. my plan is to work out two to three times a week for the seven to eight years it will take for me to earn my black belt, which should be plenty of time to build the requisite flexibility and abilities.
work (try): for more than 20 years, i have been practicing martial arts. while i have to manage my workout schedule around my business commitments (which take me out of town a great deal), when i am at home, i typically work out three to four, and sometimes five days a week.
evaluate: at a recent instructor’s clinic, i realized that i had the lowest kicks of any black belt during that training session. from that clear perspective and comparison, i realized that i was unhappy about my level of progress pertaining to my flexibility and the height of my kicks.
once i recognized my level of frustration, the process would have sent me to work through what i was thinking and what i was doing. here is a thought that one of the techniques could have easily invoked:
new thoughts: i realized that my level of dissatisfaction began right after the demonstration as i evaluated my performance against those around me. as i was rereading the techniques, i was reminded that martial arts is about self-improvement, not about ego. i recalled that i have never been as flexible as others and this has always been my slowest area of improvement. i considered the work i have been doing to make incremental improvement given the limited range of motion in my ankles and hip flexors. as i thought through all of this, i recognized how much progress i have made regarding my flexibility overall and even as recently as in the last few months.
with this new thinking, i have several actions i can take mentally that will likely dissolve my level of dissatisfaction and allow me to go back to work improving my flexibility and kicking skills. these actions include replanning, reprioritizing or reaffirming my desire. here is an example of each of these applied to this scenario.
replan: in this case, i have decided that my desire of kicking at the minimum height of the solar plexus with many at face height, given my limitation of flexibility, was too grandiose.
therefore, my fine-tuned desire is that each year for the next five years my kicks will be higher than ever before as compared to the previous april rank exam.
the focus of my goal shifted from kicking as high as everyone else to continuing to do the work necessary to improve my flexibility. i realized that my plan, tactics and expectations were identified long before i understood the extent of my inflexibility of my ankles and hips.
therefore, i am going to build this information into my replan and create new tactics and expectations. going forward, i will also try to keep top of mind that i need to be comparing my current performance against my past performance and not to the performance of others.
after letting go of the ego that drove my dissatisfaction, i realized that while i could not perform in this area as well as the average black belt, overall i was satisfied that i was still making progress. this redefinition of my kicking desire not only would allow my lack-of-success feelings to disappear, but restart my momentum to put in the effort necessary to improve the height of my kicks over the next five years.
reprioritize: in this variation, i have decided that my desire of kicking at the minimum height of the solar plexus with many at face height is reasonable for me to expect. however, recognizing that flexibility will likely always be an area requiring extra work, i remind myself that kicking is just one tool in the martial arts self-defense toolkit. as i considered this, i decided that while the height of my kicks was still important, they should have a far lower priority than the number and overall quality of tools that i was building in my toolkit.
as i reflected on the multitude of techniques i have developed over the years that are part of my martial arts toolkit, i realized that i was satisfied with where i was happy with the direction i was going and feeling good about my progress. reprioritizing in this scenario wouldn’t make me feel good about the level of my kicks, but it would likely resolve my dissatisfaction because it would compel me to compare that single aspect of my performance against the progress i have been making regarding the broader skill set i was developing.
reaffirm: i have always had a great deal of respect for people who can kick high. high kicks are predominant in any martial arts movie and they are certainly what martial artists like to show in demonstrations. given this and my long-term commitment to martial arts, i am going to maintain the goal of being able to execute very high kicks.
you can have great martial arts skills, but many of them are indiscernible to the untrained eye (like control over your breathing, tension, mind and such). but high kicks are a very visible and outward sign of skill. therefore, i am going to hold on to my desire.
however, unlike the two examples above, i am not creating a new plan with lower expectations because i still want to believe that any day now i will be able to kick per my original plan. also, i am not going to reprioritize the importance of high kicks against some other desire i have because i want my kicking to remain a high priority for me.
by choosing the reaffirmation action, i am deciding to disconnect the emotional link between my high kicking priority and my progress.
i will work on it each day, with an expectation to be able to execute my kicks exactly as i imagine, but if i don’t, i will simply evaluate that shortfall without emotion and just keep working to improve. as many of you would guess, this is probably the hardest action for most overachievers to take.
i think one of the reasons overachievers perform so high consistently is that we tend to internalize and attach a lot of emotion to objectives we take on. we commit ourselves to it, which is great. but that level of commitment also commonly allows our performance to define us.
our commitment and focus is one of our great strengths, but it can become our weakness as well.
for me, there are numerous aspects of my life in which i have a very high emotional connection to my performance. for instance, when i play golf and score poorly, that bothers me. conversely, michaelle can go out and play a round of golf and if her performance is not up to expectation, it doesn’t really bother her as she will likely say something like “i had a great time with my friends and i hit some good shots too.”
on the other hand, i can work with clients and give both good and bad advice and i am not nearly as critical or judgmental about that. i think that is because i absolutely know that i don’t have all of the answers and as long as i am trying to do the best that i can, that is all i can ask of myself. so regarding my business, an aspect of my life that i am very proud of and is extremely important to me, i typically can emotionally detach from the results, which in my opinion helps me provide better advice. yet i struggle breaking that same link in other areas of my life.