self-criticism is healthy … until it isn’t.
by bill reeb
a couple of years ago, when i was consulting onsite with the executive team, one of the managers pulled me aside and asked me for some personal advice. she said, “i am thinking about asking to go part time because the stress of this job is really getting to me. what do you think they will say?”
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i told her that i thought they would be willing to do whatever she wanted. but then i added, “what are the owners or your direct boss doing to create this stress?” here was the conversation that followed:
manager: “there is so much work for me to do and i just can’t get it all done. every day, they pile more things on my plate and i just can’t keep up. this overload has started to impact my home life and i am concerned that it is only going to get worse.”
bill: “what has management been saying to you? have they been complaining that you are not able to get everything done? are they pressuring you to stay late and get the work out? please describe to me what is going on.”
manager: “it is not that. the management team, and my direct boss the ceo, has been wonderful. they all tell me to get done what i can, and if i need help, to let them know.”
bill: “i am confused then. what is the problem?”
manager: “i know this stuff needs to get done, and i worry about the fact that it isn’t. i know it is important or they wouldn’t ask me to do it. i feel like i am letting them down. as well, i really can’t relax as long as i have an inbox full of work to do.”
bill: “so, please explain to me how going part time will help your situation. it seems to me that since you can’t do everything on a full-time basis that you certainly won’t be able to get it all done on a part-time one.”
manager: “well, i was thinking that if i went part time, they would not expect me to do as much and that would take a lot of pressure off me.”
bill: “but you already told me that they were not putting pressure on you in the first place. what you said was that you felt like you were letting them down and that you can’t relax as long as you have an inbox full of work. i am sorry to point this out, but you are the only problem you have here. until you stop beating yourself up for ridiculous expectations as to how much you should be accomplishing, and you learn to relax when your inbox is full, nothing will change.”
manager: “okay … i hear you. so you are suggesting that i don’t go part time, but rather, that i quit altogether?”
bill: “no, i am not saying that at all.”
manager: “well, if i quit, then i won’t worry about letting them down and the inbox issue goes away.”
bill: “yes, your statement is true about working here. but whatever you choose to do with your life, whether that is work for someone else, work for yourself or choosing to do some charitable work, you will always find someone you don’t want to disappoint. based on my experience with you in the past, this is about you caring about what you do and how you are perceived, not about anything anyone is doing to you. and while quitting may ease your pain for the next month or two, you will likely just rebuild this exact situation in short order again wherever you go. when you run from yourself, you quickly find there is no place to hide! you simply have to give yourself permission to do what you can, and let go of what you can’t. each day, calm yourself in the face of chaos, quit beating yourself for not being superwoman, know that it is a rare luxury when your inbox will actually be empty, and learn to relax and enjoy what you are doing while finding comfort in whatever progress you are making.”
this type of conversation doesn’t just happen once in a while; it happens often. it is not uncommon for overachievers to blame others, situations, and environments for making us feel a certain way, when in fact, the only problem we have is with the way we think. it is important for you to recognize the possibility, and even the probability, that at some point you will become the greatest obstacle to achieving your goals. be ready to change the way you work, the way you respond, the approaches you take and the way you think so that you are poised to work better rather than just continuing to work more.
what am i doing right now where i am the biggest hurdle i have to overcome to achieve my objective? what can i do to recognize early on when i am putting myself in my own way?